Spent the day with Brian and Ethan yesterday. We had fun but I really have to work to not dwell on my motherhood (or the lack there of) issues. Every time he ran towards me playfully, every time he wanted to follow me and help with whatever little chore I was doing... it made me smile and that hurt my heart a bit. We played and we ran around together, I held his hands and spun him around til we were both dizzy. All these things I wanted to be able to do with a child of my own. I fear it is never to be though. I'll be 34 in less than a month and I don't see our relationship progressing to the point of baby-making any time soon. It sucks to have to force myself to accept it.
And it worries me to get so close to him, afraid to form any kind of bond because if Brian and I don't last, I'll lose two people from my life instead of one.
Some weeks ago, I had the occasional thought of love. It was mostly situational, when I'd have a particularly happy moment with him. But I never said it out loud, realizing that it was too soon for those thoughts to be rooted in anything real. Then we had that talk about where the relationship was going and by his desired path, of marriage then living together, I guess I realized we had less of a chance of making it long term. And the occasional urge to blurt out "I love you" has all but vanished. He's thrown the word around loosely, not directly professed his love, but saying in a general way that "there are people here that love you..." for example when I expressed my uncomfortableness in walking around the park where we went kayaking in a bathing suit type of thing. Since he was the only one there that knew me, I assumed he was talking about himself. But I just clam up when he says stuff like that. I can't reciprocate what I don't feel. I like him a lot, I like spending time with him, but somehow my brain is winning over my heart and not letting me fall in love with someone who might not be around forever. Perhaps it's finally learned its lesson.
