Still fretting over the path of our relationship. I hate how it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy when I get to spend time with him but sad when I'm alone and think about the realities of the future. I have maybe a year left of child bearing and I just don't think it'll happen if we go along his path of dating, engagement, marriage, move in then maybe a child. I don't want to change him or pressure him or trick him, that's not the kind of person I am. I will admit that every time we have sex without a condom, which is most of the time, I wonder if this is the time he won't pull out fast enough. It's not the ideal time for a baby with him right now but I'd still welcome it.

Then comes the money issue. Money was tight when I was alone but all the bills were paid and I had a little to put aside for savings and a little to enjoy. It was fine that I never went anywhere or did anything, I saved gas and money. Now that I have someone to do things with I find myself siphoning my savings account little by little to cover the expense of dating. I'm not the type to make him pay for everything, I want things to be equal. I make more money than him but I guess his expenses are way less than mine. I don't want to be in debt forever, I wouldn't want to go into a marriage with all this debt. If he won't move in before marriage then I need a 2nd job. I've looked at the bills and could cut back on food, which I have made a conscious effort to do. Just not willing to give up internet and cable and can't reduce the cell phone any further.

I think it makes things worse, being in a relationship now. So much more stress. When I was alone there was really no hope left. But now, my hopes are raised again but likely won't be realized. Options are resign myself to the fact that I'll never be totally happy and just be thankful for the little bit I get with him. Or break up and go back to being alone and just wait to die.

Definitions

Defining a relationship together is difficult, especially when there are fundamental differences in how each person defines it themselves. That doesn't really make any sense though...

Brian is kind of old-fashioned I guess in how he defines a relationship. He doesn't want to live with anyone until he's married and I'm sure he wouldn't willingly have a child until he was married. Even though he had one out of wedlock already, but he made it seem like he was trapped into that. It's incredibly frustrating, I'm getting too old to move this slowly. Not that I'm ready two months in to move in together and stuff, but I'll almost certainly be ready for that before he's ready to get married. I'm looking at living together as mostly a practical thing. He doesn't see that. He explained how the wedding signals to the community that two people are starting their journey, blah blah blah and he wants the specialness of being married and living together. He's such a girl sometimes. I just want to be loved daily and split the household bills. I don't think that's a crazy thing to want.

It continues...

Things with Brian are going great. He apologized for the nonsense that happened when I met his parents, apologized for his own behavior anyway, which is all he's responsible for I guess.

We've seen each other for just about all the free time we have that schedules permit. And he's moving to a daytime shift starting tomorrow so I think it'll be great.

He's been talking about his rich uncle who wants to buy a house in FL and have Brian live in it and maintain it. I keep wanting to blurt out "But, but, I thought we might be headed towards you moving in with me." But I didn't say it. It feels right with him but the rational brain says "You've only been dating 7 weeks and that's not enough time to know each other." And it's not wrong. But it really does feel right, like we've been dating way longer than 7 weeks, maybe because we chatted a little before I left the company, I don't know but I like it.  Anyway, tonight we were talking about his contract at work ending soon and wondering if the company would keep him on in another contract or not. And he said something about getting let go and having to move in with me, said in a joking manner but I responded "That wouldn't be so bad would it?" and he agreed that it wouldn't. I know it's too soon right now but maybe in a few more months' time it will be the right time. At least he know I'm open to it.

My aunts are coming to FL for a visit next month so they'll get to meet him, and their opinion will matter to my mom and the rest of the family but I think they'll like him. And we've been talking about going to MD together for an extra long Labor Day trip too. I'm excited about it. He makes me happy.