Lessons

Spent the day with Brian and Ethan yesterday. We had fun but I really have to work to not dwell on my motherhood (or the lack there of) issues. Every time he ran towards me playfully, every time he wanted to follow me and help with whatever little chore I was doing... it made me smile and that hurt my heart a bit. We played and we ran around together, I held his hands and spun him around til we were both dizzy. All these things I wanted to be able to do with a child of my own. I fear it is never to be though. I'll be 34 in less than a month and I don't see our relationship progressing to the point of baby-making any time soon. It sucks to have to force myself to accept it.

And it worries me to get so close to him, afraid to form any kind of bond because if Brian and I don't last, I'll lose two people from my life instead of one.

Some weeks ago, I had the occasional thought of love. It was mostly situational, when I'd have a particularly happy moment with him. But I never said it out loud, realizing that it was too soon for those thoughts to be rooted in anything real. Then we had that talk about where the relationship was going and by his desired path, of marriage then living together, I guess I realized we had less of a chance of making it long term. And the occasional urge to blurt out "I love you" has all but vanished. He's thrown the word around loosely, not directly professed his love, but saying in a general way that "there are people here that love you..." for example when I expressed my uncomfortableness in walking around the park where we went kayaking in a bathing suit type of thing. Since he was the only one there that knew me, I assumed he was talking about himself. But I just clam up when he says stuff like that. I can't reciprocate what I don't feel.  I like him a lot, I like spending time with him, but somehow my brain is winning over my heart and not letting me fall in love with someone who might not be around forever. Perhaps it's finally learned its lesson.

Still fretting over the path of our relationship. I hate how it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy when I get to spend time with him but sad when I'm alone and think about the realities of the future. I have maybe a year left of child bearing and I just don't think it'll happen if we go along his path of dating, engagement, marriage, move in then maybe a child. I don't want to change him or pressure him or trick him, that's not the kind of person I am. I will admit that every time we have sex without a condom, which is most of the time, I wonder if this is the time he won't pull out fast enough. It's not the ideal time for a baby with him right now but I'd still welcome it.

Then comes the money issue. Money was tight when I was alone but all the bills were paid and I had a little to put aside for savings and a little to enjoy. It was fine that I never went anywhere or did anything, I saved gas and money. Now that I have someone to do things with I find myself siphoning my savings account little by little to cover the expense of dating. I'm not the type to make him pay for everything, I want things to be equal. I make more money than him but I guess his expenses are way less than mine. I don't want to be in debt forever, I wouldn't want to go into a marriage with all this debt. If he won't move in before marriage then I need a 2nd job. I've looked at the bills and could cut back on food, which I have made a conscious effort to do. Just not willing to give up internet and cable and can't reduce the cell phone any further.

I think it makes things worse, being in a relationship now. So much more stress. When I was alone there was really no hope left. But now, my hopes are raised again but likely won't be realized. Options are resign myself to the fact that I'll never be totally happy and just be thankful for the little bit I get with him. Or break up and go back to being alone and just wait to die.

Definitions

Defining a relationship together is difficult, especially when there are fundamental differences in how each person defines it themselves. That doesn't really make any sense though...

Brian is kind of old-fashioned I guess in how he defines a relationship. He doesn't want to live with anyone until he's married and I'm sure he wouldn't willingly have a child until he was married. Even though he had one out of wedlock already, but he made it seem like he was trapped into that. It's incredibly frustrating, I'm getting too old to move this slowly. Not that I'm ready two months in to move in together and stuff, but I'll almost certainly be ready for that before he's ready to get married. I'm looking at living together as mostly a practical thing. He doesn't see that. He explained how the wedding signals to the community that two people are starting their journey, blah blah blah and he wants the specialness of being married and living together. He's such a girl sometimes. I just want to be loved daily and split the household bills. I don't think that's a crazy thing to want.

It continues...

Things with Brian are going great. He apologized for the nonsense that happened when I met his parents, apologized for his own behavior anyway, which is all he's responsible for I guess.

We've seen each other for just about all the free time we have that schedules permit. And he's moving to a daytime shift starting tomorrow so I think it'll be great.

He's been talking about his rich uncle who wants to buy a house in FL and have Brian live in it and maintain it. I keep wanting to blurt out "But, but, I thought we might be headed towards you moving in with me." But I didn't say it. It feels right with him but the rational brain says "You've only been dating 7 weeks and that's not enough time to know each other." And it's not wrong. But it really does feel right, like we've been dating way longer than 7 weeks, maybe because we chatted a little before I left the company, I don't know but I like it.  Anyway, tonight we were talking about his contract at work ending soon and wondering if the company would keep him on in another contract or not. And he said something about getting let go and having to move in with me, said in a joking manner but I responded "That wouldn't be so bad would it?" and he agreed that it wouldn't. I know it's too soon right now but maybe in a few more months' time it will be the right time. At least he know I'm open to it.

My aunts are coming to FL for a visit next month so they'll get to meet him, and their opinion will matter to my mom and the rest of the family but I think they'll like him. And we've been talking about going to MD together for an extra long Labor Day trip too. I'm excited about it. He makes me happy.

Meet the parents

So I met Brian's parents and sister and pretty much everyone else they know tonight. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me really. I'm an introvert, low-key, quiet, not chatty and not boisterous. They are the opposite of all that. Brian left me alone for more time than I was comfortable with, and he drank way more than I was comfortable with, especially since his son was there. I was the only sober one over 18, including his 20 year old sister and there were a lot of kids there. I am not conservative in many things but I do not like drinking to excess. I've only been really drunk a handful of times and I was just not comfortable. His parents barely spoke to me and frankly, weren't very good hosts. His sister only spoke to me after she was drunk. A few of the family friends fussed over me briefly, making sure I didn't need a drink and stuff. I chatted with a few of them, some repeated the same damn story 3 or 4 times. It is just really not how I wanted to meet his parents for the first time. The majority of the conversation with his parents was just making sure I was not drinking and would be driving Brian and his son home safely. I really kind of hate how this is going one step forward and two steps back, I'm doubting again if I want to continue seeing him.

Seeing someone

I made it official on OKCupid, seems like Brian and I are moving into the more serious dating. He keeps talking about me meeting his parents and it looks like it might happen this weekend. And he wants to do a B&B weekend in St. Pete soon and visit one of his friends out there.

1. I've never hung out with a boyfriend's friends before. (Even though we haven't actually used the terms boyfriend and girlfriend yet, for simplicity's sake that's what I'm using here.) Granted, the only one it was really possible with was Brent and, even though most of his friends were mine first, I never hung out with them. Which coincidentally, probably made it much, much easier for him to cheat on me.
2. I've only ever met the parents once too, again with Brent. That was always strained because of the race and cultural difference I think. Hopefully, there won't be many problems with Brian's parents. I may have to keep my heathen blasphemer mouth shut more than I'd like.
3. This is all just very weird, surreal even. 

So is this how it starts?

Do you remember the one HIMYM episode where Robyn has a new boyfriend but she's all "me, me, me, I, I, I"? The one at Halloween with Marshall and Lily as the awesome pirate and parrot? Well, I have Robyn's problem to a degree. To start at the beginning, I've been told the yard has chinch bugs and 2 weeks ago I bought the treatment for them but couldn't afford the spreading equipment. I'm used to taking care of things myself, sometimes it takes a little longer, but I always get it done. I know I talk like that, I have that mindset. Brian offered to get his dad's for me to borrow, instead of me spending money for a new one, and I said OK. Some guys like to feel that they're needed, so I let him come to my rescue. We talked about it Sunday morning, he was going to his parents' later that day and I was going to get it from him today after work. But when I asked him if he was able to get it, he said he forgot. Grrrr. So now I'm out of money again, my poor lawn is suffering and I'm annoyed.

I know it's a dumb little thing to be annoyed at and he could have lied and said his dad said no or something. But is this how the disappointment will start?