Lessons

Spent the day with Brian and Ethan yesterday. We had fun but I really have to work to not dwell on my motherhood (or the lack there of) issues. Every time he ran towards me playfully, every time he wanted to follow me and help with whatever little chore I was doing... it made me smile and that hurt my heart a bit. We played and we ran around together, I held his hands and spun him around til we were both dizzy. All these things I wanted to be able to do with a child of my own. I fear it is never to be though. I'll be 34 in less than a month and I don't see our relationship progressing to the point of baby-making any time soon. It sucks to have to force myself to accept it.

And it worries me to get so close to him, afraid to form any kind of bond because if Brian and I don't last, I'll lose two people from my life instead of one.

Some weeks ago, I had the occasional thought of love. It was mostly situational, when I'd have a particularly happy moment with him. But I never said it out loud, realizing that it was too soon for those thoughts to be rooted in anything real. Then we had that talk about where the relationship was going and by his desired path, of marriage then living together, I guess I realized we had less of a chance of making it long term. And the occasional urge to blurt out "I love you" has all but vanished. He's thrown the word around loosely, not directly professed his love, but saying in a general way that "there are people here that love you..." for example when I expressed my uncomfortableness in walking around the park where we went kayaking in a bathing suit type of thing. Since he was the only one there that knew me, I assumed he was talking about himself. But I just clam up when he says stuff like that. I can't reciprocate what I don't feel.  I like him a lot, I like spending time with him, but somehow my brain is winning over my heart and not letting me fall in love with someone who might not be around forever. Perhaps it's finally learned its lesson.

Still fretting over the path of our relationship. I hate how it makes me happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy when I get to spend time with him but sad when I'm alone and think about the realities of the future. I have maybe a year left of child bearing and I just don't think it'll happen if we go along his path of dating, engagement, marriage, move in then maybe a child. I don't want to change him or pressure him or trick him, that's not the kind of person I am. I will admit that every time we have sex without a condom, which is most of the time, I wonder if this is the time he won't pull out fast enough. It's not the ideal time for a baby with him right now but I'd still welcome it.

Then comes the money issue. Money was tight when I was alone but all the bills were paid and I had a little to put aside for savings and a little to enjoy. It was fine that I never went anywhere or did anything, I saved gas and money. Now that I have someone to do things with I find myself siphoning my savings account little by little to cover the expense of dating. I'm not the type to make him pay for everything, I want things to be equal. I make more money than him but I guess his expenses are way less than mine. I don't want to be in debt forever, I wouldn't want to go into a marriage with all this debt. If he won't move in before marriage then I need a 2nd job. I've looked at the bills and could cut back on food, which I have made a conscious effort to do. Just not willing to give up internet and cable and can't reduce the cell phone any further.

I think it makes things worse, being in a relationship now. So much more stress. When I was alone there was really no hope left. But now, my hopes are raised again but likely won't be realized. Options are resign myself to the fact that I'll never be totally happy and just be thankful for the little bit I get with him. Or break up and go back to being alone and just wait to die.

Definitions

Defining a relationship together is difficult, especially when there are fundamental differences in how each person defines it themselves. That doesn't really make any sense though...

Brian is kind of old-fashioned I guess in how he defines a relationship. He doesn't want to live with anyone until he's married and I'm sure he wouldn't willingly have a child until he was married. Even though he had one out of wedlock already, but he made it seem like he was trapped into that. It's incredibly frustrating, I'm getting too old to move this slowly. Not that I'm ready two months in to move in together and stuff, but I'll almost certainly be ready for that before he's ready to get married. I'm looking at living together as mostly a practical thing. He doesn't see that. He explained how the wedding signals to the community that two people are starting their journey, blah blah blah and he wants the specialness of being married and living together. He's such a girl sometimes. I just want to be loved daily and split the household bills. I don't think that's a crazy thing to want.

It continues...

Things with Brian are going great. He apologized for the nonsense that happened when I met his parents, apologized for his own behavior anyway, which is all he's responsible for I guess.

We've seen each other for just about all the free time we have that schedules permit. And he's moving to a daytime shift starting tomorrow so I think it'll be great.

He's been talking about his rich uncle who wants to buy a house in FL and have Brian live in it and maintain it. I keep wanting to blurt out "But, but, I thought we might be headed towards you moving in with me." But I didn't say it. It feels right with him but the rational brain says "You've only been dating 7 weeks and that's not enough time to know each other." And it's not wrong. But it really does feel right, like we've been dating way longer than 7 weeks, maybe because we chatted a little before I left the company, I don't know but I like it.  Anyway, tonight we were talking about his contract at work ending soon and wondering if the company would keep him on in another contract or not. And he said something about getting let go and having to move in with me, said in a joking manner but I responded "That wouldn't be so bad would it?" and he agreed that it wouldn't. I know it's too soon right now but maybe in a few more months' time it will be the right time. At least he know I'm open to it.

My aunts are coming to FL for a visit next month so they'll get to meet him, and their opinion will matter to my mom and the rest of the family but I think they'll like him. And we've been talking about going to MD together for an extra long Labor Day trip too. I'm excited about it. He makes me happy.

Meet the parents

So I met Brian's parents and sister and pretty much everyone else they know tonight. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me really. I'm an introvert, low-key, quiet, not chatty and not boisterous. They are the opposite of all that. Brian left me alone for more time than I was comfortable with, and he drank way more than I was comfortable with, especially since his son was there. I was the only sober one over 18, including his 20 year old sister and there were a lot of kids there. I am not conservative in many things but I do not like drinking to excess. I've only been really drunk a handful of times and I was just not comfortable. His parents barely spoke to me and frankly, weren't very good hosts. His sister only spoke to me after she was drunk. A few of the family friends fussed over me briefly, making sure I didn't need a drink and stuff. I chatted with a few of them, some repeated the same damn story 3 or 4 times. It is just really not how I wanted to meet his parents for the first time. The majority of the conversation with his parents was just making sure I was not drinking and would be driving Brian and his son home safely. I really kind of hate how this is going one step forward and two steps back, I'm doubting again if I want to continue seeing him.

Seeing someone

I made it official on OKCupid, seems like Brian and I are moving into the more serious dating. He keeps talking about me meeting his parents and it looks like it might happen this weekend. And he wants to do a B&B weekend in St. Pete soon and visit one of his friends out there.

1. I've never hung out with a boyfriend's friends before. (Even though we haven't actually used the terms boyfriend and girlfriend yet, for simplicity's sake that's what I'm using here.) Granted, the only one it was really possible with was Brent and, even though most of his friends were mine first, I never hung out with them. Which coincidentally, probably made it much, much easier for him to cheat on me.
2. I've only ever met the parents once too, again with Brent. That was always strained because of the race and cultural difference I think. Hopefully, there won't be many problems with Brian's parents. I may have to keep my heathen blasphemer mouth shut more than I'd like.
3. This is all just very weird, surreal even. 

So is this how it starts?

Do you remember the one HIMYM episode where Robyn has a new boyfriend but she's all "me, me, me, I, I, I"? The one at Halloween with Marshall and Lily as the awesome pirate and parrot? Well, I have Robyn's problem to a degree. To start at the beginning, I've been told the yard has chinch bugs and 2 weeks ago I bought the treatment for them but couldn't afford the spreading equipment. I'm used to taking care of things myself, sometimes it takes a little longer, but I always get it done. I know I talk like that, I have that mindset. Brian offered to get his dad's for me to borrow, instead of me spending money for a new one, and I said OK. Some guys like to feel that they're needed, so I let him come to my rescue. We talked about it Sunday morning, he was going to his parents' later that day and I was going to get it from him today after work. But when I asked him if he was able to get it, he said he forgot. Grrrr. So now I'm out of money again, my poor lawn is suffering and I'm annoyed.

I know it's a dumb little thing to be annoyed at and he could have lied and said his dad said no or something. But is this how the disappointment will start?

Updates

Update work: On Friday the manager that held that meeting on Thursday that I wrote about, thanked me for stepping up and saying I'd take more work. The manager under him (there are 4 levels of management above me, just in the building, it's a bit excessive) will be away for a couple weeks in June and he said I might be able to pick up some of her duties. Really looking forward to the chance to show that I can do more than fill out spreadsheets and send emails to people. I really hope there's room for upward movement in this company.

Update dating: Things are improving, we had another night together and it was good. I'm glad I talked to him about that instead of just calling it quits. Still getting some mixed signals about the seriousness level though. I'm not sure if he was joking or not but he asked if I wanted to go with him to his parents' house today. I declined and then he joked more that I should go and wear black lipstick and fishnets. So I think he was joking.

After we've been apart a few days, then get together again, he always says that he missed me. And I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I miss him. I really enjoy spending time with him but I don't know if I miss him when he's gone. I'm so used to doing whatever I want when I'm alone and I like that. Still need to find that balance I guess.

'Scuse me for having a work ethic

I'm about 6 weeks into my new job and it's frustratingly boring. I work for a sub-contractor and I don't know if they get paid by the body or what but it does not take five full time people to do what my department does. Pass information back and forth, fill out a few Excel spreadsheets (half of which all say the same damn thing). I could do 2 or maybe even 3 other people's job in my dept to fill an 8 hour day.

We had our weekly meeting today, one of them anyway, and the boss asks me point blank if I have enough work to do. I say "I could use some more work." and I get the stink eye from the WHOLE meeting. Excuse me for hating sitting around and doing nothing for half the day. It might be a little different if I had full run of the internet to keep me entertained but it's monitored closely and I can't stream music or TV or anything. There's only so much Solitaire a girl can play before she goes mad!

Also, their processes are so inefficient! It's hard for me to be purposefully inefficient, it's not how my brain works. I'm paid well, too well, for the level of work I do but I just don't know if this place is a good fit for me. I don't know if I should just shut up and accept a decent paying but super boring job, and next time I'm asked if I have enough work, lie about it? Or start looking for something else that may or may not be any better for me?

Anniversary

Yesterday was my 4 year anniversary of moving to Florida. Still quite happy here compared to how things were in MD. I'm positive I wouldn't own my own house by now if I'd stayed there, so there's that. I still lack a social life for the most part but it wasn't much better in MD either. And even with love bugs twice a year it's still better than scraping ice off my car all winter. Considering finding a part time job to pay some debt down faster, a few minor financial setbacks added up to a major one. Now that I'm out of work by 4:30pm maybe I can find some retail gig in the evenings or something, not ideal but I gotta do what I gotta do.

S'pose that's all for now.

Tentative

So I talked to the guy, seems he is somewhat inexperienced and not quite so sexually liberated as I am. Which sounds ridiculous because there is plenty I'm not comfortable with, I still consider myself to be inexperienced. But I think that can be worked on, he seems open. At least he's not a completely selfish lover, he just doesn't know any better. I always thought I'd be better off with someone more experienced than myself but I like this guy enough to try. And we talked a bit about the child issue and he understands I'm not ready to spend any time with his son at this point in the thing.

So, still casually dating, for now.

Been a while since I've remembered a dream...

08:20 am

This is a doozy, and fading fast.

I'm walking through my neighborhood and saying hello to friendly-type people. I go in my house and there's a psycho murderer inside. I run to the kitchen, grab two knives and escape through the garage. I run to the same friendly people I was just talking too and they all have fake faces put there by the psycho and they try to attack me.

I manage to get far enough away where I find people he hasn't... corrupted? And find one friend. We start running together. We meet another small group of people who seem safe but then turn on us. Running through streets and alleys and buildings being chased by a mob. We enter one building and start climbing stairs/scaffolding. Higher and higher. We split up to confuse the mob but it doesn't work. We reach the top, ridiculously high, can't see the ground. I actually think something like "Who needs a ladder this tall?". So at the top and we're clutching the structure with the mob coming up. There's a mirror hanging up there too for some reason, full length, I can see both of us. I (we?) decide I'd rather jump and die from the fall than be taken back to psycho killer, so we do, but at the last second we're stopped from falling and restrained.

Cut to an outside area, I'm unrestrained but unable to get up from a chair. I kind of feel like a gibbering idiot with periods of lucidity. (Now that I'm awake I might compare it to Firefly River Tam) my friend is still there next to me in a similar state. My brother is there, trying to take care of me. Weirdly random things happen... someone is reciting Hamlet badly and gets hit by my friend. I eat weird combinations of foods all mixed in something like a pudding cup. I can see a large apartment type building not far away, all the patio furniture on the balconies are draped in white fabric and the few people I see out there are dressed in white too. Someone drives by where we are and dumps a bunch of junk out of their car, including an empty child's car seat. My brother starts to walk away as I'm about to ask him to bring his dog next time for a visit. I see the car seat and just start sobbing. Then I woke up.

When I woke up it took a few seconds to remember the chasing mob part so I'm not sure if they were one dream or two separate ones.

Journals

So, from this point backwards is an archive of the majority of my OK Cupid journal entries. I didn't want to lose my sage words :) For posterity's sake, it was a great free dating site, until Match.com bought it and slowly started removing the features that made it great.

May 6, 2011

Seeing rumors that the journals are going away. Noticed some of the buttons are gone form the journal page so I guess it's plausible.  I've been backing up the majority of my posts to a Blogger site. I got to 50 and it yelled at me for posting too much and is making me do a captcha thing each time so I guess I'll stop for today.

Stupid Match.com, it's all their fault.

Chicken

May 6, 2011

Completely chickening out about ending things. I didn't want to wait until Sunday (the next day we'd both have time off) to talk about stuff so I wrote up a whole letter explaining all the things that are bothering me. I don't have an email for him so I was going to send it through a FB message but today he texted me and he got bad news about his job ending in the near future so it would be harsh to send it now. Right?

And I still hold out a small hope that my experiences so far are a fluke and things will improve. Such an idiot :) I really do like spending time with him, that's the kicker.  

Damn it. 

The latest...

May 5, 2011

We haven't talked since Tuesday so maybe he's of the same mind as me that this (whatever "this" is) isn't going to work out. 

I'm disappointed and sad about it though. Disappointed because there was much hope in the beginning that this had some potential. And sad after spending time with his son because I realized that I'm a mother with no child. It's all I've ever dreamed of being, it's the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up, a mother. And with every passing day and failed dating attempt it seems less and less likely that dream will be realized.

I hope I do talk to him this weekend, he needs to hear the reasons so maybe the next girl he dates will have better luck. I want to do it in person even though it will suck.

So I'm updating my profile here to reflect that I don't want to date anyone with young kids, I know they (in most cases) don't need another mother but it's too emotionally hard to not be one.

*sigh*

May 3, 2011

So I caved and met his son tonight. I've spent a lot of time around kids in the past but it's been a while since I've been around one under four. And unfortunately, I can't help but judge his parenting, and I find it lacking. Granted, it was only a few hours so maybe he's not always so distracted with TV and his phone and doesn't let the kid run around and barely discipline him... I don't really want to know. I found myself biting my tongue all night to suppress my suggestions/criticisms, it's not fun.

I do like hanging out with the guy, but so far all the "beyond friendship" aspects are not meeting expectations. And he seems completely clueless.

Unimpressed.

May 1, 2011

I find myself desperately missing a certain ex-lover. One that knew the key to his pleasure was mine. One that always made sure I was satisfied too. Are there any men left that are not solely focused on their ownselves? 

That was rhetorical, not looking for offers.

Endeavour

Apr 28, 2011

Due to the awesomeness of my friends and where I live, I will going to the final shuttle Endeavour launch. I am super excited (despite the expected terrible traffic woes). I also get a bonus house guest and puppy for 2 nights, a friend who I haven't seen in about 6 years. She should be here in a couple hours. Woohoo!

Define casual...

Apr 25, 2011

Casual dating was the verdict. I asked about the online dating and he didn't seem to care either way, so I'm hanging out for bit but it's unlikely I'll accept any dates.

He did want me to meet his son today, which to me, sounds a little more than casual. We didn't have a chance to discuss it in depth but today wasn't a good day for meeting, especially sprung on me at the last minute. I think it's too soon, but we'll have to discuss it.

To suspend or not to suspend??

Apr 22, 2011

I think I might be dating someone now, we haven't actually talked out any specifics like if it's going to be serious-shouldn't-be-on-a-dating-site-dating (which I'd like) or a more casual type thing. 

I do like reading journals here, it's really the only thing I do these days unless I see a new profile that has some potential. But I do hate when people who are unavailable still have accounts, like they're rubbing it in the rest of our faces... and I don't really want to be one of those people.

I haven't told my family or any local friends about the dating yet, but my Twitter people know. We've been out twice, which has more to do with opposing work schedules than anything else. We text or talk pretty much everyday though. Plans made for this weekend too. I'm excited to see where this goes.

Any (possibly) final words from any of you?