This is going to be a dark and morbid one...

Jan 28, 2011

I had a not so good day at work and problems are piling up so I'm going to get some thoughts out that have been bouncing around in my brain for a few days...

A friend recently started a blog after his doctor told him if he kept his diet and lifestyle as is, he'd be dead in 5 years. So he changed his diet, started exercising, all that good stuff. And I'm happy for him.  He's got a wife and stuff to live for.

So it started me thinking, would that news from my own doctor have that effect on me? If I knew my life would end in a few years would it shock me into getting my health together and taking better care of myself? If I heard that news today, I think my answer might be "no". I've never had a suicidal thought ever but I've also never really had a strong will to live. My life as it is now (and has been for most of my adult life) is going through the motions--work, sleep, pay bill, rinse and repeat--doesn't really inspire a desire for a long life. I pluck a few moments of happiness here and there but it's not enough to sustain me forever. When there's nonsense talk about apocalypse or the wackos going on about the country devolving into an 'old westy, every man for himself, stock up on guns and food and TP, you won't eat unless you kill it yourself' kind of future, I shrug (after rolling my eyes). I welcome it even, use me as bait for the zombies while you get away, give me a grenade or something to take a few out with me. It'll be over and nothing will matter anymore.

Meh. I just feel very defeated at 33 years old with my life the way it is, no clear way out and little hope for the future.